Emotional agility is the soft skill we need
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Thinking Aloud
Emotional agility is the soft skill we need
Our emotions can cause us to get stuck in a rut, but we can learn to get unstuck
By Lydia Lim
Given how fast the world is changing, it's useful to be open to discovery, and to take time to understand a situation before rushing in.
Published
2022-06-12
If you were to ask me to describe the most important skill I've learnt in the last two years, I would say it's the skill of being more aware of my emotions, and how to be more at peace with them.
That has helped me be calmer, less reactive, less prone to jumping to conclusions or rushing to judge - and condemn - other people.
It's also helped me to realise that I don't need to be strong and positive all the time, whether with family or at work, because it's normal for people to feel down sometimes. When we do, it's important to acknowledge our negative feelings.
That learning has taken a load off me, both mentally and physically. It's helped me be more effective at work, and better able to enjoy time with family and friends.
So I was glad to discover a book that put a name to this skill, entitled Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, And Thrive In Work And Life. Its author is psychologist and executive coach Susan David, who has studied emotions for over two decades and is on the faculty of Harvard Medical School.
Please read on if the idea of emotional agility intrigues you.
If you think that talk about emotions is new-age mumbo jumbo, consider reading on anyway.
I'll make it easy by breaking down what I've learnt into three parts.
1. Thoughts and emotions can act like hooks that keep us from moving forward
Here's a story I used to tell myself: I'm an introvert so I can't help that I'm bad with people, poor at networking and dour at parties.
But I've stopped telling that story because I realise I have a choice in the matter. I can, as management guru Peter Drucker put it, learn to be myself with skill.
So I learnt listening skills, and took drama classes to help me act with confidence.
Most importantly, I stopped labelling myself in a self-defeating way.
Ms David calls our self-defeating thoughts, emotions and behaviours "hooks", because they snag us and prevent us from moving forward. We get stuck.
How does that happen?
Human minds are meaning-making machines, Ms David writes. Our way of making sense of the stream of sensory data bombarding us each day is to organise our experiences and relationships into a story that coheres.
The problem is, we can and do get things wrong.
When we find ourselves stuck in a rut, it's usually because we are operating out of a self-story that's based on something done or said to us years ago, in a different time and place.
It could have been a scolding or criticism from a parent or teacher; or it might have been something more serious which left its mark on us and for which we might want to seek professional help.
What makes getting hooked almost inevitable, Ms David warns, is that most of the time, we are in autopilot mode and react reflexively to situations, especially those we find difficult or discomfiting.
2. Sometimes, it helps to act not like an expert, but a beginner
Our thinking has two speeds.
We learnt that from a book by economist and Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman, entitled Thinking, Fast And Slow.
Ms David quotes Professor Kahneman's work on System 1 and System 2 thinking to explain why we need, at times, to deliberately slow down.
"System 1 thoughts are typically fast, automatic, effortless, associative and implicit, which means they are not available to immediate introspection. They often carry a lot of emotional weight and are ruled by habit and as a result, are very good at getting us hooked.
"System 2 thoughts are slower and more deliberative. They require much more effort and a deeper level of attention. They are also more flexible and amenable to rules that we consciously establish," she writes.
System 2 allows us to create a space between stimulus and response, a space that makes it possible for us to choose how to respond, based on what we value.
Yet, people often default to System 1 or fast thinking. Those who view themselves as experts are even more likely to do so, as they assume they already know the answer.
That becomes a problem when they meet a new situation with old ways of thinking.
Given how fast the world is changing, it's useful to be open to discovery, and to take time to understand a situation before rushing in.
"We must continually break down old categories and formulate new ones," writes Ms David.
"The freshest and most interesting solutions often come when we embrace 'the beginner's mind', approaching novel experiences with fresh eyes. This is the cornerstone of emotional agility."
More On This Topic
Why leaders hide their emotions
Three tips on how to manage your emotions
3. Why emotional agility matters at work
Work may not be where we want to show or talk about our emotions, especially those that make us uncomfortable.
We may prefer to project strength and confidence, and even when under pressure, to remain stoic. Such thinking can lead to toxic positivity, where people believe they must put a positive spin on all their experiences.
The reality is that work is where many of our strongest feelings are stirred up regularly, and where our hooks can snag us without us even noticing.
"Work," writes Ms David, "draws on and integrates our hidden beliefs, our self-concepts, our sense of competition and cooperation, and all the life experiences that preceded that first day on the job."
To thrive, she suggests we update our self-narratives the way we update our resumes.
You might be thinking that an executive coach like her would say that, as that's what she gets paid to help people with.
But I think her argument has merit.
More On This Topic
An introvert in the workplace: Saying yes to others, but also to myself
Are you happy? Your boss is asking
I've had sessions with an executive coach and a therapist, and I found them helpful and a good investment of my time and money.
Besides, I figure I need to make up for lost time, as I was not taught about emotions back when I was in school.
Today, however, Singapore's Ministry of Education has a framework for 21st-century competencies that includes a whole section on social and emotional competencies. These include self-awareness, because "a person who understands his own emotions, strengths, inclinations and weaknesses is able to develop positive self-concept and self-worth".
There's also relationship management, because "a person who manages relationships well is able to establish and maintain healthy relationships through effective communication and is able to work with others to resolve conflicts".
I'm glad the experts agree with me that emotional agility is a core life skill.
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