Raising children is a gift of life - not a “net loss”

Raising children is a gift of life - not a “net loss”

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Translated by ChatGPT

https://www.zaobao.com.sg/forum/views/story20260506-9007913?utm_source=android-share&utm_medium=app

2026-05-06

23:00

Lianhe Zaobao

Author: Yu Lan (于岚律师)

(Yu Lan is a lawyer and a partner at the Singapore office of Han Kun Law Offices 汉坤律师事务所

新加坡办公室合伙人)

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Recently, I read an article in Lianhe Zaobao that left me deeply moved. The article mentioned that the government will establish an inter-agency task force to reshape Singaporeans’ views on marriage and parenthood. One sentence, in particular, struck me: raising children should not be seen as a “net loss.” This is absolutely true. Over the years, the government has put in significant effort to encourage childbirth—baby bonuses, parental leave, the abolition of the Gifted Education Programme, reducing academic pressure… almost every possible measure has been tried. Yet the reality is that people still seem increasingly “afraid to have children.”

Everyone understands that pressure is everywhere. Although basic living needs are generally met, the rising cost of living, intensifying workplace competition, and especially the seemingly unrelenting elite education system are all very real sources of anxiety. But I often feel that behind all these calculated considerations lies a deeper concern: we have become too accustomed to measuring everything in terms of “input” and “output,” and have forgotten that the most important things in life are never the result of calculations.

Take children, for example. In today’s context, children are often reduced to a synonym for “sacrifice”: broken sleep, diminished freedom, depleted savings, and disrupted career trajectories. It seems as if once you have a child, life becomes shackled.

I have experienced these challenges myself. But if our understanding of children is limited to these aspects, that would be truly regrettable.

I recall the story of Dr. Lim Hong Huay, a nominee for “Singaporean of the Year” in 2024. After 20 years of medical practice as a senior pediatrician, she resigned in 2017 to care for her two children with special needs. To outsiders, this might have appeared as a sacrifice or even the collapse of a career. But to Dr. Lim, it was a reconstruction of life. In 2020, she founded CaringSG, an organization supporting caregivers of individuals with special needs. Drawing on her professional expertise and empathy as a mother, she reached out to caregivers struggling in isolation. Her story tells us that raising children is not merely a one-way depletion—it endows a person with deeper resilience and stronger vitality, enabling them to illuminate the lives of others. Not everyone can found an organization like Dr. Lim, but every parent who sits beside their child under a late-night lamp is undergoing a small yet profound transformation.

I have personally experienced this kind of “mutual growth.” A few years ago, my daughter was preparing for the Gifted Education Programme exams and was under great pressure. Coincidentally, I also had several professional exams to prepare for. One day, seeing her anxious face, I told her: “You’re working hard, and I have exams too. I won’t hover over you, but let’s see who works harder.”

In the days that followed, we each made study plans and posted them on the wall, holding each other accountable. She studied in her room while I reviewed materials in my study. Looking back, what was most valuable was not the final results, but the realization she gained under those late-night lamps—that effort is not a one-sided pressure from adults onto children, but a shared, lifelong learning attitude within a family. Education is never just about words; it is about leading by example.

Children are a mirror for their parents. If you want them to be honest, you cannot be perfunctory in trivial matters; if you want them to be self-disciplined, you cannot act on impulse. Raising children is, in essence, a process of self-cultivation for parents—those anxieties, control tendencies, and impulsiveness revealed through children are precisely what we must confront and correct. Children do not just listen to what you say; they watch what you do.

Children are not an “enhanced version” of their parents

Over the years, I have come to a deeper realization: parents cannot truly “shape” their children’s destinies. Every child is born with their own unique traits. The role of parents is more like providing soil, air, and light for growth, rather than wielding a carving knife to mold them into what we want them to be.

For a long time, I hoped my daughter would study law like me and become a lawyer, as if that would pass on my skills. In my view, it was a broad and promising path that could help her avoid detours. But she happened to love mathematics and showed little interest in law.

At that moment, I realized she is not my extension or an “enhanced version” of me—she is herself. Her life may turn out more remarkable than I can imagine, or take paths we have never walked. What right do I have to shape her using the standards of my generation? What we call “for her own good” may essentially be adult arrogance and a fear of the unknown.

When I let go of this attachment and stopped insisting that she become a lawyer, I instead saw her vitality emerge. She fell in love with Chinese debating and often stayed up late preparing for competitions. Now, if someone asks me, “Is letting her debate paving the way for a legal career?” I would say no. It is purely her choice, not a path I laid out for her. Whether she becomes a lawyer is not important. Debating subtly reshapes her cognitive boundaries, sharpens her logic, and broadens her perspective. These deep-rooted capacities will enable her to handle complex situations with confidence, no matter what field she enters in the future. That is the kind of wealth no one can take away from her.

Looking back, every child has their own foundation. We often believe that by making careful arrangements and heavy investments, we can place our children on a “better” path. But often, this strong desire to control stems from our inner fears—fear that they will go astray, be disadvantaged, or become someone beyond our understanding. Yet fear is contagious: the tighter we hold on, the more suffocated children feel; the more we try to push them onto a “better” path, the harder it becomes for them to move forward.

True parenting is about giving children boundaries within love, and freedom within those boundaries. This freedom is also a form of liberation for parents themselves.

Children are truly a gift. This does not mean they make life easier—on the contrary, they make life heavier. But it is a “weight” of depth. They help us rediscover what love and responsibility mean, and through accompanying them as they grow, we gradually come to understand ourselves, living a life with greater depth and warmth.

The author is a partner at a law firm’s Singapore office.