Lianhe Zaobao
2026-09-16
Author Song Beng Kah is an Adjunct Associate Professor at Monash University Malaysia.
Teaching children about the concept of personal boundaries from an early age is beneficial to their future mental health and social skills. However, in Asia, the gap between the older generation’s habit of teasing and playing with children and the younger generation’s educational philosophy of respecting boundaries is not easy to eliminate. The younger generation needs to explain and remind their elders with greater patience and rationality.
“You touched my head!” a little girl said, tilting her head and glaring at Old Chen. Fortunately, no parent subsequently rushed over and pushed down the nearly 60-year-old Old Chen — he was the girl’s coach and a third-degree Taekwondo black belt. The incident began when the girl performed a beautiful side kick, and he instinctively touched her head to show his approval. Clearly, however, this ethnic Chinese girl had been taught at home that “others must not touch you casually.” After the incident, Old Chen even had to take the initiative to explain the circumstances to the girl’s mother.
During the period when a video of a “wonton noodle stall owner on the East Coast being pushed down for touching a little girl’s head” went viral on Facebook, Old Chen specifically mentioned this “head-touching incident” when we met.
For most highly educated Westerners, “touching” between strangers is in itself taboo, let alone touching children. But for most traditional Asians, we are more accustomed to communal living, prefer sharing space, have a weaker concept of privacy, have less clearly defined boundaries concerning physical contact, and place insufficient emphasis on children’s rights. Therefore, for an elderly person to reach out and stroke or kiss a child’s head or cheek was originally an extremely ordinary gesture in this region.
As the lifestyles, customs and education of Asians become increasingly Westernised, we have also gradually embraced children’s rights, scientific concepts and awareness of hygiene. More and more young ethnic Chinese parents are beginning to recognise that strangers casually touching a child’s head or cheek is not only unhygienic behaviour, but also constitutes an intrusion into the child’s personal space.
Putting aside the rude and excessive act of the father in the video, who roughly pushed down the elderly stall owner, I very much agree with his intention to protect his daughter.
If this incident could have been used as an educational opportunity, the girl’s parents could originally have politely and gently explained to the elderly man why they did not want him to touch their daughter’s head in this way. Unfortunately, in most countries, particularly in Asia, the concept of “personal boundaries” has not received sufficient attention from educators or older family members. Many young parents also know only that this is the case without understanding why, and therefore crudely equate “touching my child” with an unforgivable offence.
This article does not discuss the hygiene and health issues involved when strangers touch children. Instead, it examines the issue of “touching the head” from the perspective of personal boundaries in the form of a mini literature review, briefly reviewing relevant academic views on personal boundaries.
I. Developing an Understanding of Personal Boundaries from Early Childhood
The current consensus in the social sciences is that adults cannot assume that, simply because children are young, they will necessarily accept physical contact from strangers and therefore that it is harmless to touch them. A 2018 study by a team from the University of Munich in Germany found that children are not completely without awareness or concepts of personal space. The norms concerning “appropriate distance” in social interactions actually begin to develop during early childhood. A report by a researcher at University College London in July 2023 even argued that young children’s ability to perceive bodily boundaries is much more mature than previous literature had assumed. Therefore, touching without consent constitutes an infringement of autonomy.
II. Young People’s Social Interaction Problems and Work-Life Balance in the Workplace
Young people are particularly sensitive to the need for personal space. Therefore, whether they possess the concept and understanding of personal boundaries that separates the “internal” and “external” worlds is important to their interpersonal relationships. It is also a common reason why this group encounters social interaction problems in daily life. A research report from Vinnytsia Mykhailo Kotsiubynskyi State Pedagogical University in Ukraine in March 2023 pointed out that, in an environment of normal, flexible and healthy personal boundaries, young people feel good and are capable of communicating effectively with those around them, thereby establishing, developing and maintaining good relationships.
A report from the St. Petersburg State University of Economics in Russia in September 2022 also pointed out that personal boundaries are an important foundation for autonomy, mental health and social adaptation, and that their development is crucial to achieving work-life balance in future careers. If people are unable to recognise or maintain personal boundaries, they may excessively accommodate others and be unable to refuse unreasonable demands. In the long term, this may affect their psychological state, work performance and quality of life. However, personal boundaries do not simply mean refusing others. Rather, one must learn to decide when to open or close those boundaries according to different relationships and circumstances, and appropriately express one’s own needs, thereby helping young people establish a stable work-life balance.
III. Learning to Understand the “Flexible” Meaning of Physical Contact
From the perspectives of Old Chen and the wonton noodle stall owner mentioned earlier, lightly patting a child’s head — regardless of whether they know the child — to express affection, blessings or approval is simply a social custom among Asian elders. A study by a team from the University of Oulu in Finland in February 2021 brought out an important concept: physical contact with children cannot simply be defined as a binary matter of “permitted” or “prohibited”; rather, it depends on the relationship between the people interacting, the circumstances, the culture, and how the participants understand it. Similarly, a 2019 study by the University of Graz in Austria found that the size of the personal space of children aged 8 to 12 varies according to psychological characteristics and factors such as the gender of the person approaching them.
These findings are consistent with the classic view published in September 1959 by Robert Sommer, chief psychologist at Weyburn Mental Hospital in Saskatchewan, Canada: personal space is not completely fixed, but is affected by gender, the person with whom one is interacting, the social situation and psychological state. Another related concept, “personal space boundaries”, also emphasises that a boundary is a dynamic and permeable dividing line between a person’s inner world (body, mind and spirit) and the external environment. Its degree of permeability and flexibility is influenced by three factors: personal characteristics (such as the ability to trust, degree of self-acceptance and cultural background), one’s perception of the other person (whether the person is trustworthy, whether the person holds a position of authority, etc.), and environmental factors (cultural norms and situational pressures).
In conclusion, teaching children about personal boundaries from an early age is beneficial to their future mental health and social skills. However, in Asia, the gap between the older generation’s habit of teasing and playing with children and the younger generation’s educational philosophy of respecting boundaries is not easy to eliminate. The younger generation needs to explain and remind their elders with greater patience and rationality.
In protecting children and respecting the elderly, we do not have to choose one or the other. We can do both.
Author Song Beng Kah is an Adjunct Associate Professor at Monash University Malaysia.
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